What about bill?

I fear I've missed the window of opportunity on this whole billyjeff by-pass surgury thing. When the news first broke, what is it now 5? 6? days ago, I had several different ideas / directions for a post on the subject, but for one reason or the other, I couldn't find the time to blog them properly.

The one I wanted to do most was a "conspiracy theory" post: the top conspiracy theories about the severaty / timing / outcome of billy blythe's heart problems. Keep in mind these would be "conspiracies" that I dreamed up my own self. I even spent some time reading the conspiracy theorist's Mecca that is the Democratic Underground, just to get the flair and the timbre of the whole conspiracy theory mindset.

This was particularly painfull. Reading their material over two evenings caused me to consume an entire week's ration of rum, and all the beer that was left in the house (and here at Case de Heywood, beer is never in short supply). I finally had to stop, because 1.) I was out of drinky-drinky, and 2.) my wife was getting pissed off that every 4 minutes or so I would scream "UN-FOOKIN'-BELEVIABLE" or "MORONS" or something in that vein and then I'd break something. It had to stop. I was waking the baby.

I'm feeling much better now.

One of the "theories" I had dreamed up was that GWB had caused billyjeff's heart problems, something about the black helicopters and agents with sequential social security numbers and cholesterol laden ice bullets and an intern named Monique. You do the math.....and it's not that far-fetched, from a conspiracy theory standpoint. When the Clinton Administration's Joint Chief of Staff General Shalikashvili (probably misspelled, I'm too tired to Google it out properly) had a stroke recently, there was a lively discussion at The Democratic Underground and general agreement that Bush operatives had actually cause the stroke to silence him. Just exactly he would have had to say was never defined; but for those people the truth is out there

My personal favorite, however, was that hillary was actually behind this. You see, he needs to be removed from the scene so that she can run in '08. Political aspirations aside, she's got to be at least a little homicidal towards him for his various sexual shenagins. Here's how it plays: hillary is going to run in '08, and billyjeff will be a major liability to her campaign. So she arranges to have him offed, but making it look natural, or at least like it was his fault. The Clintons are not idiots; they've learned that having people who can harm their plans die in single vehicle accidents / un-solved "muggings-turned-violent" / suicides without a suicide note probably isn't going to play anymore. I mean, think of it: if he's no longer with us, she can take the moral high ground of either not speaking ill of the dead or playing the grieving widow card. I really expected for him to not make it off the operating room table.

Probably closer to the truth is the theory that hillary wants to run in '08, but if kerry gets elected this year it pushes her out to the 2012 election. So billyjeff steps up in a huge sympathy ploy to take the spotlight and distract the democrat's base away from kerry. The Clinton's are well known for "sucking all of the air" out of the room to further their own aspirations.

I discarded my thought that this was a ploy to garner sympathy for Democrats in general and kerry in specific, because the Clintons cannot have kerry elected this year. That would funk up the timetable for hillary.

What about bill? In the cynical view, this turn of events establishes that billyjeff has heart problems, opening the floor for hillary to have him offed in the future, as long as she can make it look like a heart attack. Stay tuned.

Anyway, this all sounded much funnier when I was mowing the lawn. Note to self: blog it when it's fresh